Right from the start, all I did was care. I did anything you asked. Yet you called me poison, and said I ruined everything for you. What we went through were consequences of our individual actions. Yes, I smoked. Did you have to smoke with me? Or stay with me, knowing we shouldn’t have been smoking? No. But you did. That’s on you. Yeah, you worked, I stayed home. You lost jobs because you smoked, and it wasn’t Danielle who called. What did I do during that time? Oh that’s right, cleaned. I vaccuumed, did dishes, did laundry, made beds, swept the kitchen, all that. Also walked your dog. And watched your daughter. Fed your daughter every day. Cleaned her room. Played with her. You let me and my family get attached to her. I did everything there was possibly to do in that house so you would have nothing to worry about when you got home. I brought you food after work because I knew you would be hungry. I job searched almost daily. All I did was care too much. Your car - not my fault, you chose to have Colton fix it instead of my dad. You chose to wait. You told me to take it to work, and I did, and it died. You lost the apartment because you ripped through your savings. You chose to spend money on me, even if I told you no. As for Oli, I promised you I’d find him a home where you could see him and he’d be taken care of. I kept my promise. You knew he was sick, and you chose to do nothing about it. That’s not my fault. I know you were talking to Matt almost the whole time we were together. I’m sure what I saw with Dunn was exactly what it looked like and you never brought me around him because you guys were talking. I’m sure something happened between you and Nardi that day. I’m sure you’re either seeing Celine or had something with him. And whoever this new guy is, I know you’ve been seeing him for a while. Were you with him on New Years? What about the day with the arcade story? Or the day you “lost your phone in the cabinet.”? And what’s the real story behind that night you already gave me three stories for? I’m not ignorant, just silent. You lied to me since day one. And I loved you so much. I guess I can’t blame you. For four years, with Colton and Matt, all you did was lie and cheat. It’s all you know, and I don’t know why I thought you would be any different with me. There’s no way your number would be what it was if you didn’t. Where did I go wrong? I treated you amazingly. We laughed, we cried, we showered, bathed, cleaned, cooked, acted a fool, carved a pumpkin, slow danced, we even went to the bathroom together. I let you shave my leg, put make up on me, and I tried on your fuckin heels! How could you lead such a double life? If you loved me the way you told me, you wouldn’t be sleeping in someone elses bed. But emotions are nothing to you. All you care about are things. Totally replaceable items. You’re shallow. Pricetags all day. You lost things. I lost real happiness. That’s priceless. I should hate you. I really fucking should. I hate that I can’t hate you. You showed me things about the world and about myself I never knew. I never knew the devil was so aesthetically beautiful. I was having a seriously hard time getting over you, until those texts. But hey, you know what they say.. payback is a bitch. Karma will find you.
I’m not where I should be.
I’m not what I could be.
But I’m not who I was.
Nostalgia gets the best of me.
When I wake up, its the same day.
It fucks me up.
Makes me miss who I used to be.
All I have are thoughts of me
from back when I was 18
in my bony knees.
My plugs actually smell for once. That actually upsets me.